Plum Tired Out

Let’s see if’n I got this right. You buy a tire that they call a 60,000 mile tire. Now I’s a thinking this means I can drive close to 60,000 miles on em before they give out. However, after 20,000 miles, they show more wear than Abner’s britches and I go talk to the tire dealer. They say I didn’t buy the extended warranty so they won’t replace them but they’ll be pleased to sell me some new ones at a really good deal. Now, says I, didn’t I do that the last time?

I ask if the tire isn’t warranted for 60,000 miles. “Oh, that’s just a rating system the tire manufacturers use.” What in the world do they use it for?! To tell them when to go to the bathroom?! So, how does a poor country fella like me figure out what tires are the best deal? There’s also another rating that is supposed to indicate if the tire is recommended for your particular vehicle. So, apparently, if you multiply the two together, subtract 1498, divide by two, pick your nose twice, (eeewwww that's gross!) add 28, then divide by 46, you will be able to ascertain that those tires won’t last as long as you think unless you buy the extended warranty. After all that, I was just plum tired out. (Ok, bad pun but it fits.) You know that's the way they want it because then you'll listen to their speil and buy the tires they want you to. I think it's a worldwide conspiracy connected to the secret child of Hillary Clinton and both Sigfreid and Roy (or maybe their tiger) who is plotting with alien penguins at the South Pole and will probably take over the world by melting all the ice bergs.

Keep Your Skepticism to Yourself

The world may be full of skepticism but I am a true believer in miracles. It seems me and the Missus were transporting our brood to the far northern reaches of this great country when our buggy began to function improperly. It seems that our 16-year-old had put the horses on autopilot and somehow, they got stuck in a fast pace. She tried to coax them to slow down and then got almost durn-right mean with them, but all to no avail. Finally, she succeeded in unhitching them. (Read, turned the ignition off)

Well, we sat there, in the middle of nowhere (any that have been to Montana can confirm that there is a lot of "nowhere" to find.) trying to figger what was wrong and what to do next. I tried to start them horses up again several times to see if they were done tuckered out and willing to continue at a more leisurely pace but without proper results. Being mechanically inclined is not my strongest characteristic so when the idea came so suddenly into my head to check the throttle to see if it was stuck, I was struck with amazement. I had no idea if I could even find it but more to my amazement, it ended up being there right in front of me. I easily got it unstuck and then the horses were magically transformed into docile, obedient animals.

One of the younguns then said a prayer, invoking help that the poor animals would continue on performing as needed for the duration of our journey. Came to pass as sure as Dogpatch is a breeding ground for skeeters. Now, all you skeptics out there, hold yer tongues because I believe it was one more chalked up to the Big Guy Upstairs (no disrespect intended).

Pappy steps out

I must step out of my normal character to share something very significant to me. This weekend being conference weekend, I looked forward with much anticipation to the various inspiring presentations in speech, music and prayer. Like all LDS faithful, I have been anxious also to see and hear Pres. Hinkley - to bask once again in the glow of his love and concern. After his surgery (which we found out was his first stay in the hospital - ever in his life), I think we were all hopeful to hear him again.

It was so wonderful to hear the strength of his message and to partake of his humor - as if nothing had happened. While I didn't find it necessary to "listen more intently" to his messages this time as counseled by a recent e-mail, I gladly soaked up his message like the parched desert soil drinks in a rain.

While God has provided the means for each of us to receive our own personal revelation, there is something special about hearing and feeling the messages given by God through his especially appointed and annointed servant, the prophet. And, what a great comfort it is to know that even if this happens to be Pres. Hinkley's last conference with us, there will be another living oracle of God already in place to continue the process, keeping open that sacred conduit to heaven.

Scary moments

It’s ironic how so many of the “scary” moments in life turn out to be not so scary. There was this time when I first came to Dogpatch that I came upon an idea (I know, doesn’t seem too likely but I swear, it did happen.) that I thought was pretty grand but I knew there would be folks in Dogpatch that wouldn’t cotton much to the idea.

I sweated and fretted about how to present the idea to them in a way that would be convincing to them that it was a fine and dandy idea, but would also cause me the least grief. For me, it was a scary situation.

Since Mammy is a natural-born leader, I went to her first. Even though that ended up being less scary than I anticipated, I was still scared out of my britches about presenting it to the main citizens of Dogpatch. Well, when all was said and done, it seems I had got myself all worked up for nothing. Next thing I knew, we were shooting the breeze and relaxing outside the post office.

I guess what I am trying to say is that many times, we tend to blow things out of proportion and assign reactions to people even before they get a chance to hear us out. More often than not, their reaction is much different or at least calmer than we expected.

So, my advice, the next time you’re faced with one of them scary moments, take a deep breath and just forget about the possible reactions. You’re probably exaggerating them anyway and in the end, you’ll find yourself dipping your legs in the cool stream with those you figured would be most opposed.

Those despicable sales tactics

It seems that no matter what situations you encounter in the world of doing business, there are going to be some things that remain constant. One I find particularly interesting is that regardless of good intentions, everybody has sales tactics they use to ensure their success.

For instance, Mammy and I have been looking for a new house here in Dogpatch. We had employed the services of a good detective to root out the best buy for us. Well, as we came near to deciding on the house and our good friend saw us begin to waver, he immediately set out to demonstrate all the reasons we should buy the house. He didn't cajole or put any pressure, just gave us little hints about why this house would be so good for us - better than any of the others. He also put fear in us of waiting anymore because someone could come along and put an offer before us and then we would be out.

Well, I'll be hornswaggled if it didn't work! Next thing you know, we are making the offer. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not calling foul or anything like that. I just find it interesting in hindsight. Now, we are in the process of pressing hard to sell our own house and guess what - we have used the same tactics on people looking at our house. Funny how that works. So, just remember, the next time you want to poke fun or complain about the sales tactics used against you, you are probably just as guilty.

Pappy’s freedom of speech

I don’t know about you but I love the US Constitution. It is a truly inspired document meant to protect freedoms and promote the continued prosperity (and I don’t mean riches) of our country. Well, here in Dogpatch, there was a time when ole General Bullmoose made a statement about whatever was good fer him, was good fer the whole country. Well, I never did cotton much to that and I still don’t. Seems to me that there are going to be times when someone doing their thing is going to end up being wrong against everybody else.

There are some that say that freedom of speech gives a person the right to “express” themselves in whatever manner they please. Well, I’m agreeing until you start trodding on someone else’s rights. When downright filthy stuff comes across to innocent computer users, then the line has been definitely crossed. But, it goes deeper than that. How many millions of victims, how many billions of dollars in law enforcement, counseling, and government assistance does it take before we recognize that by allowing such “freedom of speech”, we are actually taking the rights away from others?

We have laws against illegal substances but ignore one of the worst – no, not just ignore, encourage. All in the name of “freedom of speech”. Well, I want my freedoms and those of my family to be protected too and yet by statistical calculations, someone in my family will someday have their rights violated because someone else gets to exercise his/her “freedom of speech”. I respect your true God-given rights, just don’t trample mine while your exercising yours.

Pappy learns a lesson

There was a time when my Lil Abner (ok, not so little any more) wanted so bad to make a choice all on his own. Well, as a "wise" parent, I could obviously see where that decision would take the little tyke. But, we also knew he needed to make choices so that he could grow as aperson. So, Mammy Yokum and I, being the devious, yet caring parents, devised upon a scheme to cajole poor Abner into our way of thinking.

Our plan was to just leave little hints here and there about the value of making the choice our way. However clever this may sound, what it has done is produce the feeling in Abner that his only option is to choose our way - anything else will bring disappointment from his parents. Now, what kind of choice does he really have? In our efforts to help Abner develop his decision making skills, we have instead taken away his agency to choose and forced our own agenda upon him.

Freedom of choice is one of the most important of God's gifts to his children. Pappy Yokum's advice is that you do your part to ensure that your own children get to properly exercise that gift.