The Evil Questioner

Have you ever had someone question every rule you make? Ok, put your hands down, all you parents out there. I'm talkin' bout some one other than one of your chillens. With chillens, you kin take away their TV, computer, cell phone, xbox, or whatever the gadget is your child craves in order to gain some sort of compliance. However, with somone like a student in your class, all you can do is politely try to come up with some answer that satisfies or they just keep comin' at ya. Then, he/she has to question you about everythin' that might be on the test. If it's not important enough to listen to, I won't waste the breath to say it, I promise. (sigh)

Man to Man - What Every Man Should Know

Seeins how I got a niece fixin to be hitched this week, I thought it appropriate to share some wisdom from deep within my heart. Unfortunately, the groom probably won't see this and if/when he does, it might'n already be too late. For the rest of you, here's some classes I think all men should be required to take in preparation fer a'gettin' hitched.

How to seem interested in a chick-flick while a-watchin' it with your wife.

How to make the most efficient use of barbequer space.

How to answer all those wife questions like "Does this dress make me look fat?" without lyin' and without gettin' "The Look".

How to get your wife to buy you all the tools (especially power ones) to make you be more manly.

Crash course on how to use all them tools once you have 'em.

How to memorize that list of groceries so you don't have to call your wife 5 times from the supermarket.

How to grunt like Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

How to get your kids more interested in watchin' football than in watchin' SpongeBob. (So that you can watch without constant interruption a'wantin' to know when they can have the remote back.)

What other classes do you suggest?

Garage Selling Days Are Here Again

Garage sales are funny things. You set yerself up a few tables full of things for which you no longer have a need and then sit back a'waitin' for someone to come along who will find some of those items useful. You use cheap round stickers to mark the price of each item and you post a few signs around announcin' your wonderful event to the world. Perhaps you even put an ad in the classifieds.

Now, let the games begin. Someone finds somethin' they like and then you haggle over a price and finally settle on somethin' way lower than you anticipated 'cause you knew that it meant one less item you would have to cart off to the local thrift store. Now that's the way we adults in the West do it. (Please put the emphasis on adults.)

Now, here's what happens when several younguns a git the notion that they want to have a garage sale. They, like you, ransack their rooms, a'findin' "treasures" which they no longer want and quickly fill up a table. They hand-make some signs for puttin' around the neighborhood and also a bunch of custom price tags. On the price tags, they list the description of the item like "porcupinish toys" and then put a price on it. In many cases, they are much more realistic about the worth of things than we are. $.01 each for the porcupinish toys. Many things are marked with $.01, $.02, $.05 and $.10. But, even better are the $.99 items - they do, after all, have a marketer for a father.

When asked if they have change to give people, they say they'll worry about that when they git there. Sounds like a man thing to say but hold it right there, theseuns is all girls! They must be listenin' to their pa too much.

Once they have everythin' in place, the real marketin' starts. "Garaaaage Sale!!!" "Cooome, get your bargains today!" "Eeeverything on sale!" They trumpet this excitin' news in their loudest voices up and down the street.

The day wears on and they've only had one customer. Hmmmm, what to do to attract more shoppers? Have a staged conversation! "Wow! I can't believe all this great stuff!" "Look at these great prices!" "Is this really only $.10?!" "Yes it is and we have plenty more." "This is a great garage sale!" All said in the very loudest of voices. Once again, they do have a marketin' dad.

Of course, they did forget one of the most important things - in marketin' we call it "place". You have to put your goods or services in a place (or time) when you have the highest chance of havin' potential shoppers lookin' to buy. In this case, Monday afternoon was probably their biggest obstacle. Not to worry, they are now a'plannin' a Saturday edition of the kids garage sale. Don't miss your opportunity to save big on items you don't want!

Adobe - McDonalds of the 21st Century

Do you remember a time when McDonalds wouldn't let you order a hamburger any special way, you had to take it the way they made it? Do you remember how Burger King responded? "Have It Your Way" was the line and Burger King found themselves quickly eatin' (pun intended) into McDs market share.

Well, Adobe is now copyin' McDs, only in the software arena. If you buy one of their product suites and then later, want to upgrade just one program because that's the one you need to upgrade now, you have to either upgrade the entire suite or buy the complete retail version of the one product. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Then, try to complain about it. Their customer service line leads to an outsourced company that doesn't handle feedback or complaints unless they are product related - which mine wasn't. (To them, anyway) I was told to go to the "Feedback" section of their web site. The only thing is, my feedback didn't fit into any of the offered categories. Even though I did finally choose a couple of them and sent feedback, I am sure those departments just deleted it since it didn't have anythin' to do with their jobs.

Some day, a "Burger King" will come along and offer their software packages by holdin' the pickle, holdin' the lettuce so we don't have to be upset and then Adobe will have to get down off'n its high throne and acknowledge us lowly customers. Until then, I'll just have to live with my lower version and hope I can get by.

Of Teens and Stuff

Oh, to have a house full of giggly teenage girls – all there at the same time. Seven – count ‘em, seven. Oh, the pleasant sounds of boy talk. The warm, cozy feelin’ ya get after the 100th time of hearin’, “That is sooo cute!” The smell of fingernail polish wafts through the air, addin’ to your already giddy feelin’ of euphoria. OOhhh what a feelin’.

Of course, if you’re any red-blooded, American, macho, sports watchin’, car-lovin’, tool-carryin’, Tim Taylor idolizin’ man, the above description is enough to send you a’packin’ to the toilet in a hurry, a’holdin’ your mouth shut in an effort to not spill any on the floor. But don’t worry, a little Brut aftershave, a few Tarzan thumps on the chest and the smell of dirty gym socks will help bring ya back to sanity.

Say, speakin’ of not spillin’ any on the floor, how many of you know a nearly ten-year-old who would get up in the middle of the night a’feelin’ sick, go into a parent’s bathroom, sit on the toilet with the runs and move the little rug near the toilet out of the way in case he/she barfs while on the seat and doesn’t want to get any on the rug ‘cause it is easier to clean vomit off the tile floor than it is to clean it out of a rug? (I can’t believe I said all of that in one sentence.) That one certainly has some of her Mammy in her, that’s fer sure.

Customer Relations Disaster

Recently, the Great Falls Explorers (CBA basketball team) has experienced some financial troubles includin’ not bein’ able to meet payroll and not payin’ rent on the facility in which they play home games. The owner of the team is a guy by the name of Michael Tuckman. Now, I’m all fer givin’ a guy a break when he’s a’runnin’ into money problems if’n he’s a’tryin to make things right. Turns out, he totally refuses to pay any of the back rent he owes. He even got kinda snooty when he was interviewed by the press concerning this problem. So, I wrote him an e-mail expressin’ my disappointment. I found his reply to be very unprofessional and lacking in judgment. I have included the conversation below in its entirety.

Disappointed? Gee, I'll try and go on with my life.

Michael Tuckman
President and General Manager
Great Falls Explorers
400 3rd St. NW

Great Falls, MT 59405
Office: (406)216-3033
Cell: (406) 750-7148
www.greatfallsexplorers.com

Quoting Xxx :

Mr. Tuckman:

The record of poor payment of salaries and expenses incurred by the Explorers is just poor business. When I read that now you are not paying for the facility the team was contracted to, I was dumbfounded. Bad arena contract or not, when you bought the team,

the contract was already in place and I assume you knew that. If not, you didn't complete any due diligence. Your organization is giving Great Falls a bad reputation with your failure to meet your financial obligations. I, for one, choose to not do business with an

organization that has such low ethical standards. So, I won't be buying any tickets nor will I be sponsoring your team in any way.

A disappointed fan

Go Mitt!

Well, usns here in Dogpatch saw to it that Mitt Romney won the delegates here. Well, actually, none of us lower folks even got to vote at all. It was just the party leadership. All the same, I was awfully proud that they picked the right candidate.

It was kinda funny how I heard lots a folks talkin that they liked what Mitt had to say and he didn't even campaign here. There's some right sensible folk here in Dogpatch, down ta' earth types that generally don't go for none of that high falootin' jibber jabber most politicians are famous for. I think they saw right through the garbage and made a good choice. Just wish the rest of the country would see it that way.

The Wasteland of Politics

I find politics to be an intriguin’ yet disgustin’ display of playground theatrics. It’s so ridiculous how candidate number one will spew all kinds of misquotes and lies about candidate number two only to be followed by number two tellin’ us all how number one is being very dishonest in their campaign. This is then followed by an ad where number two returns the favor, trouncin’ on number one with half-truths and innuendo. And you think to yerself, “Didn’t I just hear number two a’hollerin’ about that kind of behavior?”

And once it gets started, it just escalates. Each one findin’ anything to jab at while always maintainin’ his/her own innocence. Constant finger pointin’ at ta other, accusin’ each other of lies and mistruths. Why can’t they just stick to the issues and let us all know where they stand on each one, not where the other candidate stands? And don’t forget about us, the poor deviants who readily believe all the lies about one candidate but none of them about our favorite. All those are absolute falsehoods, yet all bad things said about the other candidate are clearly all true. And that’s between members of the same political party. Course they always find ways to make up with each other – the winner of the primary will quickly call upon the runner up and ask him/her to be a runnin’ mate.

Perhaps if they cut out all the perks and lavish lifestyles, capped spendin’ on political races, and put term limits on every political office as well as total amount of time any one person can spend in a career in politics, then perhaps you would get more servants servin’ the people and less career-minded, greedy, power-hungry leeches a’findin’ ways to serve their own self interests. But who am I to suggest such mighty changes, I’m just a lowly citizens of the lowliest place in the US of A, Dogpatch.

The Dilemma Of Too Much Evidence

Over the past coupla years, there has been a lot of discussion concernin’ that global warmin’ thing. Seems there’s scientists on each side of the issue with enough data on their respective sides to fill football stadiums, or so it would seem.

So, I was a’sittin’ back and a’thinkin’, how can that be? What’s a poor fella like me supposed to do? How in tarnation can we find out what the truth is in these matters? If both sides have so much evidence, how can you logically dismiss one argument and take the side of the other?

As you can tell, I am not totally on one side or the other. Here in Dogpatch USA, we do try to recycle whatever material we can and also take steps to cut waste and energy use. I think it’s the right thing to do, even if you believe global warmin’ is just a nice scare tactic. Perhaps all ya’ll can help. Tell me what you think.